Today has not been a good day so far. Quite, frankly, a depressing day. After absolutely torrential rain in the early hours, the sun has reclaimed the world, sending scudding the grey clouds away to the horizon. But the clouds remain where they’ve descended on me, and I sit swinging my legs over a muddy mental pool. I’m getting a weekend off this weekend, after a long three weeks of being on my own in the parish, to spend at a very special service which I hope will restore my sanity and delight.

I find myself wondering if clergy types are more prone to depression than other, or if that is no longer true now so many people urge us to be open and honest about struggling with depression, and that as openness grows, more accurate the picture would be.

I hate feeling miserable. It is miserable to be miserable when you have a partner and family to try not to inflict it upon, it is no easier if whilst you do not have that, neither have you anyone to quietly hold you close when things feel grim.

I hate feeling worse that there are things you know you could do to feel better, the gym, eating properly/regularly/better, sleeping more, worrying less about work things you can’t change, getting out with friends. And more importantly, the fact that actually when you feel rubbish it doesn’t matter how much you know they would help, you don’t actually do them, for they seem waaaay too much effort and require energy that just isn’t there through the gloom.

Though a very dear friend has been often eloquent about his wrangling with depression, two beautiful blog posts written recently have reminded me how fragile ok-ness can be, and how easy it is for something small – or even something nothing at all – to make an ok day a miserable day and see the gloom roll in. Hanging on to great words from Kate and Claire as I try to keep my own little boat chugging on through the storm/murky be-calm-ment.

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One Response
  1. Kate says:

    ‘I hate feeling worse that there are things you know you could do to feel better, the gym, eating properly/regularly/better, sleeping more, worrying less about work things you can’t change, getting out with friends. And more importantly, the fact that actually when you feel rubbish it doesn’t matter how much you know they would help, you don’t actually do them, for they seem waaaay too much effort and require energy that just isn’t there through the gloom.’

    This. Yes. I hope the gloom has lifted for you. Thanks once again for your wisdom and kind words.

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